Chapter 1 : Venting
After 45 years on the planet it is very clear to me that I don't want to be here. Everything and everyone I see here is at least 80% wrong. In this pathetic state of affairs I need to survive!
I am disappointed with everyone's immoral character. Their complex egos, the games they play, their nastiness, the list can be endless. Some are simply demons, and I've written them off. I mean just look at any group of 10 people, 8 of them will have 80% negative qualities. It is hard to find good values in people. The same is true for me! I am disappointed in myself, I am just a crumb of the earth, I am nowhere where I aspire to be, nobody likes, I can't deal with people (as you can see), I am short tempered and impatient, I don't know anything, I talk too much, ask my husband for the rest of the ills in me, I'm sure the list will be endless :-)
Saints tell me, "No child, people are essentially good, negativity is superficial." Well, it's the negative superficial layer that we have to deal with and we never get to see the "real" "true" self. I am just disgusted with the worst of the men dominating and driving things, while the silent minority who are good, refrain from expressing themselves and hide themselves in a corner. Everywhere I look, whether it's the work environment, or social groups, where ever there are people it's negativity that dominates. Just the other day a lady with the lowest IQ, who is also a bully, made stupid comments towards intelligent people because she can't stand anyone being superior to her, and she is the one who dominates the group! Dumber people hoover around her and suck up to her. Why? Out of 10 friends there may be 2 that I can really call a "friend". I really don't want the other 8 friends, or have any friends at all. Just do what I need to do in life and be alone. Except you need people in life because we live in society, damn!
Same thing at work. The person who is an awful team worker, who doesn't know anything, who is the worst character is leading the team! It's impossible for most people to deal with him but he's calling the shots. And those who manage well upwards and play politics, who don't do anything, give their work to others, and take credit, jive really well with this incompetent boss!
In personal or professional life I see so many issues with people, no transparency, lack of truth, have complicated egos, are jealous, short tempered, inflexible, etc. etc. What happened to humanity?
Ok that's in my life. In the world it's even worse. Look at politicians. Recently I dived deep into Indian politics and came to the conclusion that it's so bad that nothing can be done, it's simply headed towards the edge of a deep cliff. Again it's because the power is in the wrong hands, the worst people are running the show, too many people are immoral, the system doesn't work. The bad people are united and the good people are divided.
I wonder how evil can people get? How bad can systems become? Are we at the lowest point in humanity and is this world close to being a living hell? Or is it going to get worse still before there is total destruction?
I really see no reason to live. Maybe I should just go and live in some small village, where people are simple, innocent, have values and are actually human! Just live the rest of my life peacefully, since I have to live it. But really why am I here? I see no hope for the world or myself. I am also 80% bad! The only people I truly love is my mother, father and my two sons and I find them the only reason for living. So when my parents are no more and my sons are off doing their own things, busy with their lives, what do I live for? Is this a question that my parents also ask? What am I living for?
So back to the question, why am I here? What is the reason to live? I can't simply turn a blind eye to these questions and live like a robot, or have this herd mentality that well everyone is simply living so should I. To follow the patterns everyone else is: go to school, find a job, get married, have kids, work some more, retire and then finally die. All this for what? But you know most people don't even as this question. They simply live lives like a sheep in a herd and follow the "norms" of the world and do what everyone else is doing.
Spirituality says life's purpose is self realization, enlightenment. So what exactly is that? Can someone tell me? Yes we have all heard it and we just have to have faith in scriptures that it exists. So when someone gets enlightened what happens? They are no longer human? Something happens to them inside, but what? A no mind state perhaps... Really? What exactly is that, no mind, no ego? That they merge with cosmic consciousness, and they simply exist. Ok that's just too far out for me, I don't understand, are they still human or they become ETs? Scary, is it some psycho state? Do I really want enlightenment?!
Even if something like enlightenment exists what are my chances of attaining it? And why would I want enlightenment? Ah! to get rid of all my sorrows, ok.
I think I was quite happy as an innocent little girl, not knowing anything, just happy being me, simple and natural. With no care for the world, for my little world was perfect! Isn't that Nirvana? But then it has to change, I had to grow up and be miserable and seek freedom from it. Sigh! Now I'm stuck!! No where to know, not knowing where to go...what is the way forward? Even if I die I will only come back here again to be miserable again.
The biggest wake up call is death. But it's too late to realize. And wonder what you lived for. So many depressed old people. So much sickness and suffering. Having seen someone die if one doesn't start living it's a missed opportunity of a lifetime. Is it just me or are most people unhappy, only feigning happiness till there is a problem and that superficial happiness is replaced quickly with sadness or anger. And most people go through this yo-yo of happiness and sadness all their lives never attaining equilibrium.
Why do I need the so called "friends"?
Sometimes I feel that I should run away from the world and hide myself in a remote village somewhere in India. A nice tropical village, where life is slow and easy. People are simple and nice. Once the kids are off to college I will have that option right? I truly want to get away from this social superficiality. I am quite tired of dealing with the stupid people who are found a plenty. Maybe I should just form a small set of spiritual friends from the study group and lectures I go to. At least with them the main priority of life, the spiritual quest, is in common. Why waste my time with all these people for whom materialism is central to life. Not that I am any more elite. They are street smart, good with people, get away with being rude, arrogant, egoistic, or bullying. Yet they are the ones doing well in popularity and power. I really don't care about how many friends I have or who are my friends, like some Indians for whom social status drives their lives. Nor do I care for house or clothes, though I should little more than I do, just sustaining myself. And why should I waste so much time for these so called "friends" who don't really give a damn about me. How many truly care or would come to help in the time of need? Are the standards for friendship and humanness falling with passage of time? We have developed so much materially but I feel has human beings we are degenerating. And that's just so demotivating to be here on the planet. On dark nights when tears roll down I think of leaving the planet, but wait I can't, for my mother would not be able to survive the trauma. So I have to be here for her. Or am I being selfish. Am I sad because I am centered on myself? If I am here for others, if I devote every moment to others, if I only love love love, no matter how I am treated, no matter if no one loves me, will I be happier? Because so many times I feel I have done the right thing, spoken so nicely, yet I get such a repulsive reaction, especially from the spouse! So many deep patterns are built up in relationship which are impossible to remove. But if I don't react, if I keep on loving, and think of others, then will I be happy? I also have formed an image in my mind about others, what they're like, what their misgivings and short comings are. And from that frame I judge them. Also past events leave an impression on my mind, something bad happens today I will be sulking tomorrow too! If only I could start every day on a clean slate with no impressions about people and events of yesterdays what a great benefit it would be. Even if others have formed an image about me, if I would let go of all negative events each day that have made me sad, all the negativeness of other people that have made me react, wake up each morning and start a fresh with no impressions, no taints on my heart or mind, it would be such a relief of the burden on inner health. Hhhaaaaaa!!
I really feel like I am at the bottom most in my life, trying to find meaning to life, a reason to live. Tired of the mundane, going through the motions of life day in and day out. I have read so much on spirituality, taken classes, gone to lectures, done so much spiritual practice, and look at me! I am a total failure! Still have the same problems, still crying about this and that. When I am in a spiritual environment I am happy and then slowly the world and people start affecting me again once I come out of this Utopian environment. So today in Bhagawad Gita class we learnt that there will be misery, sickness, death, problems, etc. it is the nature of the world, the physical body and the mind. And while the mind is going through this yo-yo or happiness-sadness, anger-attraction, we need to remain aware of our eternal self, which is untouched. And while the body may be going through the yo-yo or health-sickness, youth-aging, we need to be aware that we are not the body but the eternal self, that is untouched. Hmmm! sounds good, but hard to practice. Although I must admit that when I was sick yesterday and landed in ER I could observe the body and say, "the body is going through something" and I observed the body to see all that was going on inside. So some progress I have made. But a few days ago, a young woman at work gave me a lot of misery and I was truly thrown off my center, lost balance and reacted. Why do I react! Why do I get anger? I need to detach. I need to just observe. I need to be smart to tackle such people for my benefit. Otherwise it hurts me only. They should not be able to control me or affect my health or disturb my mind. Let them do what they do, that's their karma, my reaction is my karma.
Will I ever come out of this bottomless pit that I am in. Where do I begin? Who can help me but myself! When will I be truly unconditionally happy? When or will I ever find a purpose to my life? Oh God help me! Please Krishna help me, where are you? Don't leave me, be with me forever, in my heart. You are the only one who loves me inspite of all my bad qualities, faults and mistakes. Because I am yours, you made me, you have to love me. You are my only hope! "Giridhar Gopal ne hi pyar nibhaya, kisi dosare ne naahi. Baki sab ka pyar badalta, mere Giridhar ka kabhi naahi. Mere to Giridhar Gopal dosaro na koi." "Vohi mera saath nibhate, vohi meri rakshaka karte. Vohi mere Priya! Mere Paramatma! Mero pati soi."
On this darkest night of creation where everything seems to have reached deep into the abyss of evolution there is nothing but evil. Only option is total destruction for a fresh start, there is no other ray of hope. Only path is now upwards, it has to be after reaching bottom. Knowing this is the only savior, that this too will change. Knowing this is the only savior, that this dark evil night is the climax of creation. Otherwise there would be no hope. Without this knowing one is forever lost in misery. Same with the self. We too reach a bottom, searching for a way up and out, searching for the self. Without the want to know "Who am I?" one is forever stuck with the miserable "I". One has that faintest feeling that there is a better "I", a happier "I" that one has to get back to. When one's stresses and self esteem's are at the lowest there has to be a knowing that has to awaken. Who will awaken? I tread the path in search of that pure self, that awakened self. I can fall no further into that inner pit, I have to find a way out. This to will change, this night will be over, there will be another day that will shine the light on the true me. I will smile again! Where art thou Krishna! My savior, you are my only hope. My love for you is like nectar in this dry dusty desert. It has made me survive. Tell me now the way forward, come to my help. Offer me some hope and knowledge, show me the way. I trust you and only you. You have to come, you have to come...I am not going to stop calling you till you come to my rescue! Krishna come to me! Krishna! Krishna! Krishna!
After 45 years on the planet it is very clear to me that I don't want to be here. Everything and everyone I see here is at least 80% wrong. In this pathetic state of affairs I need to survive!
I am disappointed with everyone's immoral character. Their complex egos, the games they play, their nastiness, the list can be endless. Some are simply demons, and I've written them off. I mean just look at any group of 10 people, 8 of them will have 80% negative qualities. It is hard to find good values in people. The same is true for me! I am disappointed in myself, I am just a crumb of the earth, I am nowhere where I aspire to be, nobody likes, I can't deal with people (as you can see), I am short tempered and impatient, I don't know anything, I talk too much, ask my husband for the rest of the ills in me, I'm sure the list will be endless :-)
Saints tell me, "No child, people are essentially good, negativity is superficial." Well, it's the negative superficial layer that we have to deal with and we never get to see the "real" "true" self. I am just disgusted with the worst of the men dominating and driving things, while the silent minority who are good, refrain from expressing themselves and hide themselves in a corner. Everywhere I look, whether it's the work environment, or social groups, where ever there are people it's negativity that dominates. Just the other day a lady with the lowest IQ, who is also a bully, made stupid comments towards intelligent people because she can't stand anyone being superior to her, and she is the one who dominates the group! Dumber people hoover around her and suck up to her. Why? Out of 10 friends there may be 2 that I can really call a "friend". I really don't want the other 8 friends, or have any friends at all. Just do what I need to do in life and be alone. Except you need people in life because we live in society, damn!
Same thing at work. The person who is an awful team worker, who doesn't know anything, who is the worst character is leading the team! It's impossible for most people to deal with him but he's calling the shots. And those who manage well upwards and play politics, who don't do anything, give their work to others, and take credit, jive really well with this incompetent boss!
In personal or professional life I see so many issues with people, no transparency, lack of truth, have complicated egos, are jealous, short tempered, inflexible, etc. etc. What happened to humanity?
Ok that's in my life. In the world it's even worse. Look at politicians. Recently I dived deep into Indian politics and came to the conclusion that it's so bad that nothing can be done, it's simply headed towards the edge of a deep cliff. Again it's because the power is in the wrong hands, the worst people are running the show, too many people are immoral, the system doesn't work. The bad people are united and the good people are divided.
I wonder how evil can people get? How bad can systems become? Are we at the lowest point in humanity and is this world close to being a living hell? Or is it going to get worse still before there is total destruction?
I really see no reason to live. Maybe I should just go and live in some small village, where people are simple, innocent, have values and are actually human! Just live the rest of my life peacefully, since I have to live it. But really why am I here? I see no hope for the world or myself. I am also 80% bad! The only people I truly love is my mother, father and my two sons and I find them the only reason for living. So when my parents are no more and my sons are off doing their own things, busy with their lives, what do I live for? Is this a question that my parents also ask? What am I living for?
So back to the question, why am I here? What is the reason to live? I can't simply turn a blind eye to these questions and live like a robot, or have this herd mentality that well everyone is simply living so should I. To follow the patterns everyone else is: go to school, find a job, get married, have kids, work some more, retire and then finally die. All this for what? But you know most people don't even as this question. They simply live lives like a sheep in a herd and follow the "norms" of the world and do what everyone else is doing.
Spirituality says life's purpose is self realization, enlightenment. So what exactly is that? Can someone tell me? Yes we have all heard it and we just have to have faith in scriptures that it exists. So when someone gets enlightened what happens? They are no longer human? Something happens to them inside, but what? A no mind state perhaps... Really? What exactly is that, no mind, no ego? That they merge with cosmic consciousness, and they simply exist. Ok that's just too far out for me, I don't understand, are they still human or they become ETs? Scary, is it some psycho state? Do I really want enlightenment?!
Even if something like enlightenment exists what are my chances of attaining it? And why would I want enlightenment? Ah! to get rid of all my sorrows, ok.
I think I was quite happy as an innocent little girl, not knowing anything, just happy being me, simple and natural. With no care for the world, for my little world was perfect! Isn't that Nirvana? But then it has to change, I had to grow up and be miserable and seek freedom from it. Sigh! Now I'm stuck!! No where to know, not knowing where to go...what is the way forward? Even if I die I will only come back here again to be miserable again.
The biggest wake up call is death. But it's too late to realize. And wonder what you lived for. So many depressed old people. So much sickness and suffering. Having seen someone die if one doesn't start living it's a missed opportunity of a lifetime. Is it just me or are most people unhappy, only feigning happiness till there is a problem and that superficial happiness is replaced quickly with sadness or anger. And most people go through this yo-yo of happiness and sadness all their lives never attaining equilibrium.
Why do I need the so called "friends"?
Sometimes I feel that I should run away from the world and hide myself in a remote village somewhere in India. A nice tropical village, where life is slow and easy. People are simple and nice. Once the kids are off to college I will have that option right? I truly want to get away from this social superficiality. I am quite tired of dealing with the stupid people who are found a plenty. Maybe I should just form a small set of spiritual friends from the study group and lectures I go to. At least with them the main priority of life, the spiritual quest, is in common. Why waste my time with all these people for whom materialism is central to life. Not that I am any more elite. They are street smart, good with people, get away with being rude, arrogant, egoistic, or bullying. Yet they are the ones doing well in popularity and power. I really don't care about how many friends I have or who are my friends, like some Indians for whom social status drives their lives. Nor do I care for house or clothes, though I should little more than I do, just sustaining myself. And why should I waste so much time for these so called "friends" who don't really give a damn about me. How many truly care or would come to help in the time of need? Are the standards for friendship and humanness falling with passage of time? We have developed so much materially but I feel has human beings we are degenerating. And that's just so demotivating to be here on the planet. On dark nights when tears roll down I think of leaving the planet, but wait I can't, for my mother would not be able to survive the trauma. So I have to be here for her. Or am I being selfish. Am I sad because I am centered on myself? If I am here for others, if I devote every moment to others, if I only love love love, no matter how I am treated, no matter if no one loves me, will I be happier? Because so many times I feel I have done the right thing, spoken so nicely, yet I get such a repulsive reaction, especially from the spouse! So many deep patterns are built up in relationship which are impossible to remove. But if I don't react, if I keep on loving, and think of others, then will I be happy? I also have formed an image in my mind about others, what they're like, what their misgivings and short comings are. And from that frame I judge them. Also past events leave an impression on my mind, something bad happens today I will be sulking tomorrow too! If only I could start every day on a clean slate with no impressions about people and events of yesterdays what a great benefit it would be. Even if others have formed an image about me, if I would let go of all negative events each day that have made me sad, all the negativeness of other people that have made me react, wake up each morning and start a fresh with no impressions, no taints on my heart or mind, it would be such a relief of the burden on inner health. Hhhaaaaaa!!
I really feel like I am at the bottom most in my life, trying to find meaning to life, a reason to live. Tired of the mundane, going through the motions of life day in and day out. I have read so much on spirituality, taken classes, gone to lectures, done so much spiritual practice, and look at me! I am a total failure! Still have the same problems, still crying about this and that. When I am in a spiritual environment I am happy and then slowly the world and people start affecting me again once I come out of this Utopian environment. So today in Bhagawad Gita class we learnt that there will be misery, sickness, death, problems, etc. it is the nature of the world, the physical body and the mind. And while the mind is going through this yo-yo or happiness-sadness, anger-attraction, we need to remain aware of our eternal self, which is untouched. And while the body may be going through the yo-yo or health-sickness, youth-aging, we need to be aware that we are not the body but the eternal self, that is untouched. Hmmm! sounds good, but hard to practice. Although I must admit that when I was sick yesterday and landed in ER I could observe the body and say, "the body is going through something" and I observed the body to see all that was going on inside. So some progress I have made. But a few days ago, a young woman at work gave me a lot of misery and I was truly thrown off my center, lost balance and reacted. Why do I react! Why do I get anger? I need to detach. I need to just observe. I need to be smart to tackle such people for my benefit. Otherwise it hurts me only. They should not be able to control me or affect my health or disturb my mind. Let them do what they do, that's their karma, my reaction is my karma.
Will I ever come out of this bottomless pit that I am in. Where do I begin? Who can help me but myself! When will I be truly unconditionally happy? When or will I ever find a purpose to my life? Oh God help me! Please Krishna help me, where are you? Don't leave me, be with me forever, in my heart. You are the only one who loves me inspite of all my bad qualities, faults and mistakes. Because I am yours, you made me, you have to love me. You are my only hope! "Giridhar Gopal ne hi pyar nibhaya, kisi dosare ne naahi. Baki sab ka pyar badalta, mere Giridhar ka kabhi naahi. Mere to Giridhar Gopal dosaro na koi." "Vohi mera saath nibhate, vohi meri rakshaka karte. Vohi mere Priya! Mere Paramatma! Mero pati soi."
On this darkest night of creation where everything seems to have reached deep into the abyss of evolution there is nothing but evil. Only option is total destruction for a fresh start, there is no other ray of hope. Only path is now upwards, it has to be after reaching bottom. Knowing this is the only savior, that this too will change. Knowing this is the only savior, that this dark evil night is the climax of creation. Otherwise there would be no hope. Without this knowing one is forever lost in misery. Same with the self. We too reach a bottom, searching for a way up and out, searching for the self. Without the want to know "Who am I?" one is forever stuck with the miserable "I". One has that faintest feeling that there is a better "I", a happier "I" that one has to get back to. When one's stresses and self esteem's are at the lowest there has to be a knowing that has to awaken. Who will awaken? I tread the path in search of that pure self, that awakened self. I can fall no further into that inner pit, I have to find a way out. This to will change, this night will be over, there will be another day that will shine the light on the true me. I will smile again! Where art thou Krishna! My savior, you are my only hope. My love for you is like nectar in this dry dusty desert. It has made me survive. Tell me now the way forward, come to my help. Offer me some hope and knowledge, show me the way. I trust you and only you. You have to come, you have to come...I am not going to stop calling you till you come to my rescue! Krishna come to me! Krishna! Krishna! Krishna!
