Chapter 4 : Where do I start?


When a wave starts to rise it needs direction, guide, a goal and intention. Where do I start? I have heard I am consciousness, my true nature is peace and bliss, but I'm far from it! I know I am ignorant and therefore I don't experience it and this supreme state is here and now. The wise say that it's not something I have to work on gradually over time and achieve in the future, it's just an awakening.
The eternal knowledge or consciousness, created the solution before creating the problem so there was a way out once created. The wise enlightened beings have a clear understanding of this knowledge on humans, existence and consciousness.

Root cause: Ignorance
Humans are created with ignorance. This means that I don't know that I am pure consciousness, that I AM peace, bliss, love, complete, whole, everything is me, I am not a separate entity from the rest of creation. If I was a living this state then I won't have the desire to gain happiness and love from outside, or have fear of death. So naturally ignorance brings in desires to gain peace and happiness from external sources. That's the first thing that this knowledge says: 1. Man is ignorant of his true nature. This is the ultimate root cause. 2. Because of this ignorance man has desires.
Amazing! first this cosmic consciousness creates this entire existence as an illusion and then creates man with ignorance, and then then a produces and directs a long movie about removing the delusion to finally see the truth. Sometimes I wonder why was all this created anyway, isn't it a waste of time?

Desire based actions
One of the jewels of this knowledge is that actions prompted by desire will give rise to more desires/greed when fulfilled or anger and frustration if not fulfilled. This cycle continues and we get trapped in it, like a mouse on a wheel. Let us analyze how this happens step by step. What the wise say is that bondage has three sources:
1. If an action gives pleasing results we will be bound to the source and the result.
2. If the result of action is coming from individual – then you are obliged/attached to the person, and if it’s not conducive then we have hatred towards the person.
3. If attached to an action and asked not to do it then it will cause more craving, agitation, and a tendency (Vasana) to do that even more. So patterns get engraved in us. These hidden tendencies/impressions/patterns stay not only in this lifetime but over several lifetimes in our subtle mind.
Ultimately we build up more negative emotions and tendencies and loose our peace of mind because we are consumed by our desires.

Loosing peace of mind
We have so many agitations, distractions, restlessness; the end result is discomfort and sorrow. This is called "Vikshepa", or disturbance. Cause of Vikshepa is impurity and inherent tendencies. Different people adopt different methods to get rid of this, and these methods can be "Tamasic" (impure): drinking alcohol, drugs, medication, but the sorrow doesn't go permanently, there's only temporary relief, and brings more long term problems like addiction and other side effects. "Rajasic" (passion, lust, greed) method to remove sorrow are: turn towards different kinds of entertainment, become a workcoholic, keep busy so one doesn't think about sorrow/distraction. Then there is a "Sattvic" (pure) method to get rid of misery. Cause of disturbance,  or sorrow, is that the mind is craving for something, there are hidden tendencies (Vasanas). The Sattic means are devotion to God, praying, yoga, meditation, being in the company of wise men, listening to knowledge to gain peace of mind. Sattiv methods don’t produce new desires or have side effects.

Ignorance (Avarana), Negativities/impurities (Malla), Disturbed mind (Vikshepa)
So here this is the vicious cycle:
Ignorance -> tendencies (Vasanas) -> desires -> actions -> negativity/impurities (Malla) -> a disturbed mind (Vikshepa), and the cycle continues.
Haven't we seen this over and over again? Yet we love to do those things which are either illegal, immoral or unhealthy!

This is also what Buddha said that the cause of misery is desires. Once we have a clear understanding of the cause of sorrow, half the misery drops right there. It also prepares us to receive the solutions proposed.
What is now required of me is that whenever I am unhappy I need to first become aware and then reflect on what is the root cause of my unhappiness. It will trace back to the ultimate root cause which is ignorance.

Three types of Karma
Ignorance and actions driven by desires lead to side effects and after effects. Why? Because every action has an equal and opposite reaction. We start building a bank balance of the effects of our actions. The theory is called "Karma". 1. There are some actions whose effects or results start sprouting now in the present life (Prarabdha Karma). Like today I have a migraine because I had coffee yesterday, so it's coffee Karma! We have reap the fruits of the seeds we have sown. 2. There are some that will start taking effect in the future (Sanchit Karma). 3. And of course our current actions are also adding to the bank balance! (Agami Karma). The intertwining of all these causes and effects is very complicated and can't be comprehended. Bottom line is that we can't gain liberation till we have a Karma account balance of zero. So we have to exhaust all the effects of previous actions and not produce any new ones. This is one reason why there is no instant liberation even when the knowledge is gained.

Muddy & turbulent waters
I like to think in terms of water with is both muddy and turbulent. First of all the mud (impurities, negativities) needs to be removed and the water purified. Secondly, the turbulent waters need to be calmed. Once the water is crystal clear and absolutely still, only then can we see a perfect reflection of our Self.

Ego
What happens when we fall from grace? When an individual is created from consciousness, it's like a wave rising from the ocean, the "I"ness and "Mine"ness gets created, a separate entity from the totality with a name and form. This is what is called "Ego". This illusion of a separate entity, the human, and it loses the awareness of the oneness, the wave forgets it's a part of the ocean, and identifies himself with his body and mind. The ego thinks that "I am doing". If doership is there then one also gets affected by the results, "I am suffering" or "I am enjoying". When I transact in the world whether through good actions or bad actions, from the sense of an independent individual then I am crediting or debiting my Karma account.

"I" and "Mine"
Ego is also the cause of suffering. I have seen that people who are selfish, sad or depressed are so focused on themselves, their family, their job, home, and all that is related to "I" and "mine". If you notice a conversation with that person you will see that the focus is on "me, me, me, my ..., my ..., my ...", the listener slowly looses interest. Such a person has more interest in self and very little interest in others. How long will other people stay with such a person? These people are termed as selfish and are often miserable. We need to shift the focus to others whom we don't consider our own, just a shift of focus, it can be from asking about others to service to others. People think that once I/my family gain something, or when I/my family get rid of this problem, I will be happy. Yet the more I focus on myself the deeper a hole I get myself into. When I am sad or unhappy the best remedy is to make someone else happy. Then there is tremendous growth in happiness. Happiness comes from giving and I truly believe we are here for others. A river doesn't drink it's own water, a tree doesn't eat it's own fruit, the sun shines for everyone else. So humans should also by nature be there for others, right?

Karma Yoga
The scriptures have devised a solution to purify the mind, the muddy turbulent waters, as well as to subdue the ego through "Karma Yoga". Karma Yoga in summary means that one should have a vision of dispassion towards the result of action. For this the virtues of Vivek and Vairagya are needed. In the Bhagavad Gita, Krishna talks extensively about the true meaning of Karma Yoga. It says, do what is the right conduct for you (Dharma) but with a sense of detachment, not with ego, and not be worried about the result at all, only then can one actually do anything 100%. If we are even a little worried or attached to the result of our actions then it suffocates our effort. Have you felt that? Because there is a desire for the result. Therefore, Karma Yoga is not propelled by desires and erases the tendency to act on desires. Then actions will not bind us or create any negative impressions (Vasanas).

All actions should be done with an attitude of dispassion and with full hearted compassion only then will Karma Yoga evaporate the ego. Where there is unconditional love there is no ego. This is such an important point: Compassion. This is the basis, the premise, the fabric, the foundation, on which everything needs to be built.

The other great purifier in terms of yoga is "Pranayama". Breath is connected to emotions, each emotion has an associated breath pattern. Yoga uses the breath to purify emotions through the technique of Pranayama. When we can't control our mind and emotions directly, but we can use the breath  to control and purify.

Meditation
Once the muddy and turbulent water is purified the next step is to calm the waters. The disturbance is on the surface. The way to settle the mind is through pranayama (yoga of breath) and meditation. What results is absolute stillness and silence.
If we meditate without first removing the impurities then meditation will not yield long term results. We will be peaceful while meditating and then still have negativity later. That is why I have seen this dichotomy in me, I am spiritual yet not pure. I have seen so many people who have been meditating for years, some for more than 20 years, but they still have so much ego, anger, and other negativity in them. I feel like telling them to have some compassion first, otherwise what's the point in being "spiritual". When there is unconditional love, compassion for others, negativity is reduced and only then can meditation can yield results. It is good to get feedback from others to see what they perceive and know how much spirituality has integrated in us!

"Mind at rest is the Temple of Joy. So long as it is gurgling with its desires, passions and attachments in its stormy surface, the signature of joy gets ruffled out."
~Swami Chinmayananda


Four goals of human effort
See how the clarity in this knowledge classifies what humans strive for in their lives. It says that there are four main goals we work towards:
1. Dharma - the effort towards righteous conduct as per natural law.
2. Artha - the efforts towards material prosperity, wealth, fame, power, but without greed and as per Dharma.
3. Kama - the fulfillment of physical and emotional desires for happiness, but without lust and as per Dharma.
4. Moksha - the self-effort for liberation.

The ancient sages who wrote the guidelines for living life knew that most people will lead a materialistic life and very few will seek liberation. There is nothing wrong in having these desires as long as we follow the guidelines to achieve them. The Vedas provide the code of conduct for attaining these. As long as we have the desires to fulfill the first three goals of Dharma, Artha, Kama, we will not be interested so much in attaining Moksha. That is like Maslow's need hieararchy, a human being can have aesthetic desires only about the physical, mental and emotional needs are met. For those who still have Dharma, Artha and Kama as the goals the scriptures say engage in the efforts towards these goals through "Right Action", that is Karma and then engage onself in "Spiritual Practices", which is Upasana, to fulfill all these goals.

Knowledge of Dharma and Brahman
The Vedas have two main topics:
     Dharma: Knowledge on the universal natural laws govering the individual, the world, the creator and their interrelationships, and the knowledge on Karma by which a person can lead a successful worldly life. Therefore Dharma is also known as desire management. This part of the Vedas is call the Karma Kanda and Upasana (spiritual practices) Kanda.
   Brahman: the knowledge on consciousness and ultimate truth. It answers the basic human questions like "Who am I", etc. It's this Self knowledge that liberates us from the limitations of worldly existence. This portion of the Vedas is called the Jnan (knowledge) Kanda, Upanishads or Vedanta (the conclusion of knowledge or spiritual path).
The 3 portions of the Vedas, Karma, Upasana and Jnan deal with the 3 basic problems: impurities (Malla), mental disturbances (Vikshepa) and ignorance/veiling (Avarana).

An individual who doesn’t have desires doesn't need Dharma, he’s directly qualified for Brahman. There are three types of desires: Vitteshana (related to money, job, home), Putraeshana (related to children), Lokeshana (related to fame, power). For all these there are instructions in the Vedas. The first portion of the Vedas deals with a person who has desires and how to rise above them. I do have desires but very few materialistic desires at this point. What if I don’t have desires? Then I can start with the Jnan portion.

For me all of the above is a synopses of the Vedas and Bhagavad Gita.
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Now for some comic relief. 

A top executive on vacation at a Mexican beach watches a fisherman everyday get up late, work a few hours, eat lunch, sleep in the afternoon and party in the evening with his amigos (friends). 

The ambitious executive is very restless so he asks the fisherman: Why do you go fishing only for a few hours? 

Fisherman: I earn enough for my family, I'm happy...

Executive: Well you can work double the number of hours, earn double, get 1 more boat, then 2, then open a company...then take the company public...then you will be so rich! 

Fisherman: Ok. How long will that take? 

Executive: About 10-15 years.

Fisherman: After all that hard work then what? 

Executive: Then you can retire! 

Fisherman: Retire and do what? 

Executive: Then you can get up late, do some fishing, eat, sleep and party with friends.... 

Life is short, life is a play, be happy and have fun!

So where do I start? Karma Yoga to remove impurities, or pranayama/yoga/meditation for peace of mind? Should I be happy with my devotion (Bhakti), or should I start with knowledge to remove my ignorance? As the cup of Karma yoga fills and overflows into the empty vessel of Upasana I become still...silent. This vessel so full...spurts a fountain of sweet devotion, quenching this thirsty heart! Overflowing with love, intoxicated with ecstasy the soul sings and merges with the divine! What blossoms is that unfathomable bliss, the lover and the beloved are one, there is nothing but radiance, no space, no time, just eternity...

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Chapter 3 : Back on the path


This is my path. On this path I am alone, no one else exists. So how does it matter what their opinions are about me, about the world, about the divine? Let others have their own path. So many I have seen, heard, been influenced by and influenced. Everyone is on a journey, I have not met anyone who has reached the other end yet. I am looking for perfection and not found it in anyone or anything in the world. I keep looking for answers to questions about life from other people including saints, philosophers, spiritualists and great men of this world. Even though they give me an indication from their experiences in life, I realize that they too are not perfect and don't have all the answers. I have learnt so much from them and am so grateful for the knowledge they have imparted and the experiences they have had. Some sadly are hypocrites, some are businessmen, few are genuine. Some say things that are pertinent to them and their journey, and I remain unsatisfied.

Love looks for perfection in the one I love only to find imperfection. Then there is pain and disappointment.
Again and again I come back to the realization that I am looking for "that" which I am and which I loose again and again. Is that the path for me? Finding my way back to the "natural" state of me? Sometimes getting lost and forgetting. Sometimes I sense a fragrance and I follow the scent which leads me back to deep within, to the source from where it emanates. So when did I ever fall off the path? Then there is no question of getting back on the path! This path is not a straight line but like a wave with small ups and downs, big ups and downs, fast ups and downs, slow ups and downs! When I feel like I'm "back on the path" it's when I start rising on the wave from rock bottom! And after each up and down this wave still progresses forward towards the other shore. I am a tired wave, worn out by the lashing against other waves, being beaten by the wind and storm. I long for the calm serene ocean reflecting the sun's rays, peace....

I think what has helped me most on my path is the knowledge about creation and consciousness, loosely termed as Hinduism today. This knowledge is universal, eternal and engrained in cosmic consciousness. It's not of human origin or have any origin at all - it's eternal. Since it talks about the ultimate "Truth" and truth never changes, this knowledge applies even today as it has in the past and will in the future. Truth is also universal so it is relevant to everyone, everywhere. A lot of other knowledge is not so universal as it was to the audience (devotees) at that time and place. In each of the great religions of the world has an aspect which deals with values, and these as universal and eternal.

Hinduism for me is not a religion it is knowledge. Ancient humans accessed (and can access) this knowledge in deep meditation when they merged with cosmic consciousness. That is why it is called "Shruti", which means it was revealed. Other knowledge is known as "Smriti" because it came from human intellect. These ancient revelations were taught from teacher to student verbally and were later compiled into written form into what are called the Vedas (of which Upanishads are a portion). This incredible knowledge has perfect clarity and completeness in understanding human beings, creation, and consciousness. It is also a methodical approach in guiding us answer lives questions such as "Who am I?", "What is the purpose of life?", "Why was the universe created?", "How do I become free?", etc.

Like we trust professors to tell us about all the things we can't know ourselves, we have to trust in spiritual professors and text books to guide us spiritually. I can't trust my own physical experiences, perception, mind or logic to answer these questions, I am still a student. Science can't answer these questions either. The right means of knowing and understanding have to be used depending on what needs to be known. One can't use the ears to taste something, it's the wrong sense organ. The sense organs can't be used to observe the thoughts. Thoughts and logic can't be used to know and experience love. Just like that the right means of knowing has to be used to understand consciousness. What is that? It is the knowledge of consciousness brought down from the revealations of the seers. The implied meaning of this deep knowledge needs to be explained by a teacher who has experienced and experienced consciousness. Only such a teacher can know the essence of this knowledge.

There are so many other sources of knowledge out there but I feel that either it is not a thorough understanding, or is just a piece of the the whole - not complete, or just a personal perspective. In addition to the values aspect all of the worlds religions have portions that deal with traditions and rituals. Unfortunately the tendency of people is to dilute the spiritual aspect and blindly follow the traditions and rituals. That's why I feel religions have become dogmatic, and need constant revival and cleansing. A lot of the texts have practices which were relevant for the time and place where the religion originated. Most of the religions have originated from the spiritual experiences of its founder. Yet that ambrosia, that spiritual core is not grasped by most of it's followers, nor is the same spiritual quest an objective of their lives. For most people the life stories of their prophets and avatars are moral guides to life. As long as the wisdom can be extracted from them, rather than being followed mindlessly, they are good and serve a purpose. For me, I like the spiritual aspect, the purest- highest knowledge and nothing short of it.

The Bhagavad Gita and Upanishads are my favorites. They are clear, concise and complete. I have heard that these ancient verses are a means to the know the ultimate truth, however there is no proof that they are apart from my own inner affirmation. It strikes home and I sense it is the "Truth". My own conscience and personal experience tells me that this knowledge is complete...whole. All other sources of knowledge apart from the Vedas and Gita that I have read or heard are very good too but I just find something missing in them.

What I find amazing about the Bhagavad Gita is that all the knowledge in the thousands and thousands of verses of the four Vedas has so concisely, precisely and systematically been given to take the seeker step by step from grief to liberation. What is this systematic process and why is it important?

First of all a clear and complete understanding of the human psyche is needed in order to take an individual from total ignorance to complete knowledge and final liberation.
Also one has to know the nature of creation, this theater we call the world, which has a script, heros, villians, etc. Ups and downs are part and parcel of this great story. This movie is an illusion called, "Maya", which is this physical creation, from a sub-atomic particle to the vast universe. Maya literally means: that which can be measured, as everything that has dimensions of space and time can be measured or observed.
So there is ignorance on the personal level and illusion on the macro level. These two are the Adam's apple, that which make us fall from grace, or rather forget that we are that vast cosmic consciousness, pure knowledge, bliss, eternal, and universal.

What is interesting is that the microcosm, or my human body-mind, is a replica of the macrocosm, or this entire creation. So a human being is a small mirror image of the macro-cosmic creation, and there is a connection between the two, as though we are in touch with the entire creation no matter how big it is.

There is a text by Adi Shankaracharya, an 8th century saint from India, who wrote a book called the "Tattva Bodha". This text has a lot of fundamental "must have" knowledge, so I would say it's almost like a required first course before proceeding to read the Gita or Upanishads or any other text. One section of this book has compiled the knowledge from the Vedas about creation, the human system, and co-related the two. The chart below is a good graphic representation of this section of the Tattva Bodha and since I love to learn via audio and visuals, it's excellent for me.
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The five major elements: space(ether), air, fire, water, earth; intellect; ego; mind; tendencies/impressions; the ten senses (of knowledge and action); the five objects of the sense: sound, sight, taste, touch, smell; desires; likes, dislikes; happiness; sadness; the perceptual faculty of the mind; and determination; all these are what constitutes CREATION.

Another section of the book, Tattva Bodha, talks about the virtues required to realize this knowledge existentially.
First is to have the wisdom to know the difference between the permanent and that which is changing, "Vivek". Just observe everything and everyone around you, see that this will all change, it has changed from the past. Like in a movie see from the eyes of a camera capturing the scene over the years, see how a place changes, people come and go, events come and go. People are happy and they become ok, some people are happy after an achievement, then something happens and it goes away. If I were to sit in a time machine and watch events over the last 100 years would be amazing! I too have gone through pain, suffering, unhappiness, sickness and I have also gone through so much joy, wisdom, fulfillment, happiness, elation! So what? I want that which is permanent. Just observe within me there is something that is permanent, not changing, which shines through. Knowing this is wisdom...Vivek.

Once we know the difference and are established in this wisdom what automatically follows is dispassion, "Vairagya". Dispassion, what people also call non-attachment is an indifference to all that which is changing. How can one get emotionally affected by people, relationships, finances, job, health, if one knows it will change. When the separation comes between what you the observer and what you observe as changing, that separation is called detachment...Vairagya. This is the second virtue. Like water flowing from bucket to bucket, once this virtue is fully integrated in us what starts dawning is the next virtue.

Once I attain a virtue it's a real wealth which will never go away, and a personal wealth that no one can take away. This next virtue is a combination of six wealths that flow from being established in dispassion.
1. A strong and focused mind.
2. A strong mind that has a say of the senses. Like mind over body. Also known as self-control.
3. Once the senses no longer run wild out of control, I develop forbearance and endurance of desires and difficulties like pain, fear, financial loss, death of a loved one, relationship issues, etc. I can live through them without getting devastated.
4. If I am able to have forbearance and not get pulled outward by desires and events then I can repose in my own true nature.
5. As I start turning inward reflecting on my own true nature, I have to have faith in the infinite. I have to trust in those who are truly wise, a Guru, who know about consciousness. The in-tangent inner world has no proof of existence, it is the great unknown. With faith in the wise one who has reached the other shore one can progress.
6. That faith brings calm, centered-ness, steadfastness, and sereneness. These are the six wealts.
The fourth and final virtue is the intense yearning to be free. This has to be a personal journey, one has to earnestly want liberation, enlightenment, no one can put this yearning in me, it comes on it's own.

Sometimes I feel I have none of these virtues, when I am at the bottom of the curve and then slowly things start getting better again and I feel these coming. Meditation helps, reflection helps. Reading these sacred scriptures is a good guide. An enlightened spiritual guru makes me progress much faster. Through all my learning I need to keep strengthening these virtues of Vivek, Vairagya, etc.

Why do I need this spiritual knowledge? Because I feel this emptiness inside. With this deep feeling of incompleteness, with unanswered questions about life, I turn to those ancient scriptures and my spiritual guru. I need to have unshakable faith and trust faith in the scriptures, my guru and myself to help me gain liberation from this suffering.

They say a picture speaks a thousand words. The image of the Bhagavad Gita with Krishna and Arjun on the chariot says so much and that is where I feel I am.
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1. Chariot: The physical body, the instrument through which the Self, intellect, mind, and senses operate.
2. Charioteer: Krishna represents the Self/soul/consciousness, is supposed to be the wise giver of instructions to the mind.
3.Passenger: Arjun represents the individual Soul, the embodied Atma, the pure centre of consciousness which is always the neutral witness.
4. Horses: Senses, such as eyes-vision, ears-hearing, nose-smell, tongue-taste, skin-touch, through which we relate to the external world by perception and action.
5. Reins: Mind, through which the senses receive their instructions to act and perceive.
6. Roads: The countless objects of senses and desires in the world and our memory.
7. Wheels of the chariot: Right effort.
8. Destination: “Perfection” or “Self Realization”.
9. Kurukshetra Battlefield: It’s the inner battlefield, the only place where one can confront, do battle with, and vanquish the inner demons.
10. Two armies: 100 Kauravas represents 100 demonic tendencies and the 5 Pandavas the 5 divine virtues.

The battle (battle) is still going on everyday within us; this is the fight between our demonic and divine qualities. There has always been a struggle between the two. In this conflict between opposing forces consciousness (Krishna) is ever on the side of righteousness (Dharma) - the reality which sustains, not the delusion which undermines. With the guidance and wisdom (Gita) from one who has merged with consciousness (Krishna) I can overcome the 100 inner negative tendencies with only 5 inner divine virtues.Then this chariot is to be driven to the destination which is Self Realization. It is the same on the outside macro-cosmic level also. In the world I find 95% people and things are negative, only 5% is positive.

Now that I am ready for reception, I have to remember that I need to practice three things to evolve. First is that I have to listen to the spiritual scriptures from a spiritual master (Shravanam). Second is that I need to reflect on it later, to remove any doubts, to have a clear, firm and unshakable understanding (Mananam). Third is that I need to experience the content, that is to merge with consciousness, to become aware, for the light of truth to shine through and remove the dark shadow of ignorance. This can only be experienced through meditation (Nidhidyasanam). Only then can it become an existential experience.

So much effort and determination I have to put in to free of this miserable life! Oh! I was so happy as a child. I wish to cuddle up into my mother's lap again, into the cradle of God's arms. Close my eyes and sleep. I want nothing else, just forever be in His lap. There in that infinite peace there is no time, no place, no one, just me and Him. What path? There's no path! I am forever with Him at peace, all that is an illusion that Him and I are watching in a crystal ball.

Chapter 2 : A New Beginning


But then everything is imperfect by design. So why should I suffer? Each realm created by God has been perfectly designed an illusion, meant to be imperfect, and reality, that is consciousness, which is eternally perfect. 
"Purna Adah Purna Idam", "That (consciousness) is complete, whole, infinite, perfect. I need to be in perfect sync with both creation and consciousness, with the imperfect and the perfect. You see this is very important for me to realize, the misery is from seeking perfection in people and situations and never finding it. Me being imperfect and seeking perfection in this world is also by design! It's natural! so I say to myself "Relax! It's ok, I'm imperfect, that's the way it's meant to be."

Knowing this I need to fully engage in the world and play by it's rules, far from perfect rules! If I hate them I'll be unhappy. So while I participate in this imperfect world outside I need to be dispassionate-detached inside, otherwise again I will be miserable! In both the outer realm of imperfection and inner realm of perfection I need to be in symphony. Stress and misery comes when I'm in disharmony with rhythms of nature. All the wheels of the clock need to work in tandem.

Seeking permanence in anything: love, friendship, job, money, is futile. Everything and everyone will change, it's natural. Yet again and again I seek permanence, it changes and I sulk. I want to hold on, like trying to grasp the wind in my fist, or arrest the flow of a river, not wanting it to flow away...No! I need to put my boat on the river of life, have Karma and Dharma as it's two banks and finally merge into the ocean of consciousness. And both the changing and permanent co-exist.
Whenever I am happy let me remind myself, perfection and permanence can only be found in true reality, consciousness.

When I want the deepest rest and want to feel secure I feel like crawling back into my mother's womb. So peaceful, protected, serene, loving is that feeling of being in my mother's womb. The source from where I came, innocent and complete. When everything goes wrong and you are at your lowest the only the person who I can go to is my mother. Her love is God's love, she is the divine in human form. The other refuge is inner refuge, being one with the Self. When you're stuck in one perspective the opposite perspective is a savior. A completely different way of looking at myself, life and this world. Like waking up from a dream!

A mother is a protector, a refuge, who loves unconditionally. Wisdom, knowledge, is a savior, rescuer. God is also a protector, a guide and blesses us with His grace and divine love.

Who is God? Who is a Guru? Is it a person, a body, an entity? Someone out there protecting me, watching me, loving me? Are there really two: God and me? If God is everything, everywhere, and all the time then how can he be separate from me? If he is separate from me, and not me, then he's not everything, everywhere. If he is everything then he is me too! Then who am I? Who is God?
Ok. If God is within me also, or rather God is me also, then? Ohh! It's all Him! I can relax. I am also part of him, and he is me. I have no fear. Take a deep breath in and let go. Ahh! Just this feeling that inside me there is just God, his presence, solves so many mental worries, tensions, emotions and problems. All is well, all is well. I am already feeling better. Is it a new day, a new beginning?

The fact is that a lot of people think they are protected by God or their Guru, either because of their devotion for Him, or how much they do for Him, give Him, please Him, etc. Which is fine, but it doesn’t mean that those who don’t should fear the lack of protection. God and Guru loves unconditionally, so it’s not based on where you love Him or not. The sun shines on everyone equally. Yes one should have devotion, do service, but then for whom? I have a basic question as to who God is. Who is the Guru? Is there something wrong when I feel that God and Guru are an integral part of me and I am an integral part of Him? And really there is no two. It’s all ONE. If I am so established in this feeling of oneness and living in that consciousness becomes stronger and more prominent, then whom should I seek protection from, for whom, what should I fear? The problem in fact is that people think there are two, that ignorance is the source of fear that seeks protection. In devotion there are still two. But at the peck of devotion I feel that Krishna is my soul, my consciousness, within me, not separate from me, and He can never leave me. At that level of feeling and experiencing The Presence all identities vanish and all there is – is Existence. So is true of the feeling of God and Guru, it is just all One.

The basis of all that I experience is this inner core, this vastness, which is both immediate and transcendent. It’s hard to explain. It’s like when you are just at the brink of falling asleep or at the point of waking up, when you are at the edge of both waking and sleeping. Both the states are opposite and it’s just a difference in viewpoint and awareness. If one can be aware in that moment of slipping from one state to another, like I did today, there is a great dive into the ocean of consciousness. So to compare that with this world and the waking state with another state where this world, my body, mind, everything and everyone seems like happening outside of me, like watching a movie. Someone is observing this whole play, things just happening and I just observing. It is so much like a dream. Till one experiences that separation from body, mind and creation, one is soaked in it like water in a sponge. The water thinks it’s the sponge. Therefore there are two viewpoints depending on where the awareness is. Most of my life I am so conditioned, trapped, glued to this physical and subtle world that it is impossible to separate the water from the sponge.

My son was saying to me yesterday, that reading the Bhagwad Gita feels good, but implementation is what’s important and yet so difficult. So I said keep reading, and work on implementing, the result is not in our hands. You feed the plant with water, fertilizer and sun and the fruit ripens on its own. Just like that we need to listen to this knowledge, reflect on it for a deeper understanding and removing doubts, and then meditate to experience it. These three things are the food, water and sun for the fruit to ripen and have it manifest in our lives.

The knowledge texts say that the more a person has wisdom, discrimination, and dispassion the more this spiritual knowledge will manifest in us. However; the more knowledge we soak in the more wisdom, discrimination, and dispassion will grow in us. And that then feeds into furthering the cycle of listening to, understanding and meditation on that knowledge.

When one hits rock bottom in life, or when there's a problem, is when one looks for help, for wisdom, for rescue. The first thing I tell myself is, "this too will change!". Everything is changing, everything is passing. Life is like watching the river flow from it's banks. No matter how bad it gets, that too passes and changes. Knowing that everything is changing is what is known as wisdom, discriminating between what is changing and what is permanent. "I" - the real me, that's observing everything change is changeless. It's the pivotal center around which everything is rotating. We get lot in the world, get affected by a traumatic event, react to people's words and behaviors, or get carried away by name, fame, money and power. And when it starts affecting me is when I pull back and take a look at it from a different "I". It helps to know everything is changing, and also to know that sorrow, misery, sickness and death are going to be there, it's part of life, and we can't fight it. I have to get back in touch with that space in me that is peaceful, blissful, and separate myself from this misery. That space within me is never changing, there's a substratum behind/underneath all this that is changeless, permanent. I have lost touch with it and therefore I am miserable. As soon as I meditate and get back in touch with my Self... Ah! a sigh of relief! I am stupid that I keep getting lost and forgetting my self. That old habit is hard to change. I suffer again and again because of it. At least the first step in rescuing myself is to remember the knowledge that everything is changing.

When I am more established in myself, that centeredness bring calmness. Being aware brings calmness. And when I am calm I make less mistakes in dealing with people and situations. Being spiritual doesn't mean not being smart in the world. I want to ace both the material and the spiritual world then I will be a complete whole, otherwise half empty.

It's the eight day of the nine nights festival in Hinduism called "Navratri". Had a prayer at my home and several ladies came. Feel so sacred and serene. The smell of camphor, incense, oil lamps, and flowers makes the atmosphere so divine. This long rainy night I am alone late at night, all lights are off. Just looking outside the window, in the lamp post light I see the branches of the trees waving in the wind and rain. The pittar-patter on the roof top like a lullaby. I curl into the warm comfortable lap of mother nature like a baby, and slip into sleep....

Feeling God's love. God can love me only as much as the love I feel inside. That love within is all there is. His divine grace, blessings and love is as much as the devotion I feel inside. That divine within is all there is.

I look for someone to give me that love I am looking for, only to be disappointed in it's limitation. I don't need to depend on anyone else. He calls me to Him, and I feel that coolness, comfort, the expansion, the bliss, the divine love - within! I need nothing else, nobody else. I feel complete this moment. I have found what I have been looking for. I say to myself, "Be strong, have firm faith, unshakable devotion, have dispassion, let not sorrow move me, be established in This." I smile, I am happy for this moment. Let's see how long I can hold this state.

There is going to be suffering. Desires will be there. It is the nature of creation, of the body and mind. Let them be there. I am not the body, I am not the mind. They are not the body, they are spirit, "atman", that resides in that body. Have this wisdom to differentiate, "Vivek". Let the misery, old age, disease, death, desires be there. Once I keep that differentiation, that I am not the body, I am not the mind, I feel my true self and I am not so affected by all this. Nor by the suffering of my parents and those I love. My true nature is...untouched, describable. That vast space that the great beyond, separate, that permeates everything and yet untouched and untainted. That dispassion. "Vairagya", that awareness, I must be established in. And to be established I need spiritual knowledge.

I am that person who went to sleep and now I am dreaming. That dream is this life. Each life before and each life after is a sequence of dreams. Just impressions. What is a dream? It feels so real. There is a story, there are characters, there is fear, anger, happiness, sadness, someone may die, there may be a disaster, I may loose my job, or all my wealth. It's a dream. The person who is dreaming exists all along. The dream is an illusion. The process of dreaming is a part of nature, it just happens. This dreamer is saying, "I am dreaming", yet I can't wake up! The whole truth can be explained and understood by this example of a dream, the dreamer and the waking up from the dream.

Though understood mentally it is almost impossible to realize this truth that this world is like a dream. Although it needs to be realized very simply, naturally, I seem to be stuck in the dream. Yet the true state of pure existence seems to be apparent and transcendental, it is here and now and eternal at the same time. At least I have begun my journey back upwards from the delusion, dismay and distress that I have been going through. There were few happy moments for me recently, I was on a high earlier this year, then down in the dumps, and now slowly inching my way out of the dungeons. I can see the light of knowledge, some hope is there.

Life was so simple, natural and happy when I was a little girl. Had no worries, stresses, responsibilities and problems were so small. There was so much playfulness, laughter and love. Didn't care what was happening in the world, was so immersed in my own world, about the here and now. I still feel that innocent, naive child within me, in my core. I wish to go back to it. Somewhere within me that natural state still exists that is peaceful, calm, and blissful. Look at how far I am from that now even if on the surface. After four and a half decades I seemed to have gone furthest from where I wish to be. How can I retain that pristine innocence, purity, love and blissful state that was so close to divinity?
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Let me close my eyes and feel that child again...that innocence, divinity, purity, peace and bliss...

Events come and go. People come and go. The world keeps turning...
Nothing matters. Don't worry be happy! Enjoy this moment. As I drive on this beautiful moonlit night, alone, I put on my favorite Sufi song and sing along, smiling and swinging. Who cares about the rest of the world, this is my journey, let me celebrate my time here.
One day I too will go, what happens after that? I don't know and can't know, so let it happen, flow with it, be with it, at Peace! Like when you're going into an operation and they're going to give you anesthesia, you know you are going to knock out, you feel it coming on for a few seconds and then you're gone! The next thing you feel when you come back is this fuzziness in the mind, you feel drugged or drunk. Or like when we fall asleep everyday. There is no trauma or fear, we accept it as a natural phenomena. In fact we look forward to sleep everyday to rest and recharge! Where are we when we are sleeping? In deep sleep our mind is switched off and have no awareness of existing. So too death must be. Yet it is the greatest thing I fear.

What am I looking for in this life while I'm here? I just want to be happy! Not just now but always, every moment, no matter what happens it should not affect my happiness. Happiness should be unlimited, permanent, and infinite! Everything else give me momentary happiness, we get a new car and love it for a few days and after that it's like any other car, same thing with new gadget, new house, etc. Most people think that money will make them happy yet there are so many rick people who can't even sleep well at night! So many look for job satisfaction, they live to work rather than work to earn a living, and one day they may loose their job in an instant! Those who want to get married think they will be happy once they find the perfect spouse, those who've been married from years envy single people! I have done everything to find this happiness, in relationships, from friends, changed jobs, homes, cities, bought so many things, went on a vacation, taken spiritual courses, waited for better times, etc. Basically I have looked for the perfect happiness externally, in places, things, people, time and circumstances and it hasn't worked.
Ok, now there are two aspects to life - "I" the experiencer/subject and the world of objects and my body, breath, mind, emotions. If happiness was the nature of the objects category it would not change with time, place, circumstances, etc. So if happiness is not the nature of objects then it has to be the inherent in the subject, right? Therefore I MUST be the source of happiness. I am what I seek?! It makes sense, happiness is my nature that's why I seek it, that's why it feels natural and that's why I get weighed down by sorrow and want to get rid of it. Hence, unconditioned objectless happiness is our own true nature.

There are two types of achievements.
1. Gain of ungained things. If I am in need of money then I need to know how to earn and work hard to gain it. Therefore, knowledge + action = gain.
2. Gain of things already gained. If I was looking for my keys and someone says you have them in your pocket, then there's nothing to gain. I was unaware of the fact that I had them all along and thought I'd lost them! On knowing I "gained" them. Therefore knowledge = gain.

I am unaware of my own true nature which is bliss and also of my own existencial presence, my soul. And this is what I need, Self knowledge!